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Conflict. Part 1

October 10, 2011 in Family, Leadership, Life, Spiritual with 2 Comments

As we enter into the topic of conflict try to keep your mind open to hear everything clearly without bias or opinion, understanding that I myself am still learning a lot but only offer what ever revelation I believe to have come to through experiences and clarity when reflecting on the topic. Conflict, although never fully avoidable, unless you avoid people can be handled in a way that is seasoned with grace and doesn’t result in emotional bloodshed, turmoil and disaster. There are a few things you have to set your mind to before deciding to confront the person, these small steps will take discipline, they will take intentional thought and will challenge you in every way. Why? Simple, we ALL want to win when we feel hurt or cheated and most times when we enter conflict we carry feelings like this into the conversations which is why, most times conflict can turn so nasty so quickly. So, here are the tips you need to try if you want to get better at conflict.

1. Separate the your personal feelings and opinion from the main issue - Too often leaders, teachers, parents, you name it, we’ve all done it, we carry our own feelings and opinions INTO the conversation when we begin talking about the issues. This is why the conversation gets distorted, most times it gets the best of us and the person listening gets defensive and instead of confronting to solve something, we’ve chosen to confront simply to prove something and nothing gets solved.

2. Choose your words wisely and carefully- Every word you say and the tone in which you say will be remembered. If you choose inflammatory words, hurtful words with harsh tones and begin accusing and start even guessing at a person motives, you have destroyed all hopes of resolution, the bridge of recovery is likely broken and the relationship will suffer incredibly. Every time you enter into conflict you should carefully choose your words, state the issue without harm, that don’t accuse the character of the person unless it actually is a character issue and you have solid evidence of that, other than that stick to the facts, avoid opinionated words that carry infliction.

3. Conflict is supposed yield a positive result- If you could sit and think carefully before having the conversation that your desire is to help this person, it would dramatically change how you speak. Often times, people view conflict as a way to get even, a way to lash out or back at a person verbally, “this is my turn to tell you exactly how I feel”. No, thats not conflict, that’s just cruelty. A leader, teacher, parent, etc,..about to talk with someone they appreciate or love wouldn’t verbally abuse someone on purpose right? Yet, we do it all the time, stop and think about what you hope to achieve out of the conversation, start your conversation by discussing that and as you have you conversation keep telling yourself and that person “I am not your enemy, I am here to walk with you through this” and that will always keep the tension down and hopefully yield a positive result.

What are some ways you are using to enter into conflict that bring about positive results?

Understanding conflict

October 7, 2011 in Family, Leadership, Life, Spiritual with 0 Comments

Everyone, everywhere goes through conflict. You might be a leader, a family member, in school, where ever, doesn’t matter at some point, at some time you will have to face conflict with someone. It’s unavoidable unless you don’t deal with people. Now, everyone, depending on how they were brought up handles conflict differently, I want to spend the next few blog posts here at Live love diving into conflict because it is a part of everything we do, all of our relationships and many people are hurting because we don’t understand it, we avoid it or we simply think we have a handle on it, when we really don’t.

There are three ways I see people dealing with conflict, the first is implosive. Perhaps in their home no one spoke up, no one really expressed their feelings openly or they weren’t allowed to so they carry around this learned behavior too. The implosive person does not like conflict, they avoid it at all costs, every time any of their relationships have any type of tension they choose the path of least resistance, choosing to carry the burdens internally, hurting themselves emotionally but also hurt the other person because they don’t tell the other person how they really feel, at least not yet!

The second is explosive. Perhaps this person had a loud family, everything was aired out verbally, often, no matter what it was, it was said, loud and proud so they learned this behavior. The explosive person doesn’t avoid conflict, they engage in it and will seek it out if they even sniff tension between them and someone else, sometimes they might instigate a situation just to get the conflict going because to them tension and verbal conflict is how problems get solved. They need to tell you how they feel, openly, loudly, with time, if not controlled and tamed this behavior can be very abusive and hurtful causing many relationships to be distant or shallow.

The third is simply passive, balanced and mature, very rare, quiet most of the time, will speak when they have to but not concerned with winning an argument, more concerned with solving the problem. As John Maxwell says, “You don’t get rid of conflict you just help people get through it”

How do you deal with conflict? Share your thoughts.

War of words:Book

September 29, 2011 in Books, Family, Leadership, Life with 0 Comments

I have searched for a while for a book like this, as I read another book (Humility:True greatness) where it was referenced and boy was I glad it was. War of words is the best book I’ve read for anyone looking to attain Godly communication, our struggles with words is evident in every area of our lives, not just in leadership but in our relationships, in our families, in our ministries and in our marriages. I just want to share some very compelling quotes with you from it here:

“If we are going to understand our trouble with words, we must begin with our heart” • If you help me get what I want, I will enjoy and appreciate you..But if you stand in my way…I will quarell and fight” • ” Idolatry is when my heart is controlled or ruled by anything other than God” • “An Idolatrous heart will produce idol words” • “A desire battles for control until until it becomes a demand. The demand is then expressed as a need” • “The Powerful and pervasive of all idols is the idol of self” • “Every sinner has the desire to be God” • ” OUr hearts control our words, people and situations simply provide the occasion for the heart to express itself” • ” The purpose of confrontation is not to arrange for our opinions to dominate someone else’s” • “The heart will control the tongue” • It can viciously tear down or lovingly build up”

Not sure how often you need to communicate but this book is very worth the read.

What sort of struggles do you have with words? Tone? Expression? Share your thoughts?

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